when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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