Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
