I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
