I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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