i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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