help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Randomize