Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
this must be what syphilis tastes like
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
