It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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