I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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