But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
