im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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