Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
