there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
