Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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