drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
