I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
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