i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
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