remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
