Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize
