dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
