wanna go halves on a baby?
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
