I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
