We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
