I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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