just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
i used baking grease as lip gloss
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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