god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Randomize
