Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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