I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
