one word: firstdatebathroomanal
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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