I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
