You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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