naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
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