We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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