His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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