Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize