I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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