i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Never underestimate the power of titties
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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