I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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