Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
