please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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