We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
