I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
