When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
