I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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