I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Dignity is for republicans.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
