I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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