okay pat passed out under dana's car
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
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