My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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