Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
