The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
