So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
