do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
