my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize