Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Randomize
