he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Someone signed my nipple.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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