I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize