Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
