Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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