i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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