Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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